Updated: Sep 4
My Story of Abuse, Anxiety to Beauty from Ashes It is a story of God's power to heal, restore, and rebuild. It is also a story of forgiveness. It was back when I was in my 40s, (1990s) and I was getting ready for bed when suddenly, I started having flashbacks of something that happened to me. I had no idea of these memories bombarding my mind. “Why now,” I said, “I was so young!” “Are these vivid flashes of memory true?” The flashes of unwelcome memories shocked my system, and I would go into a full-blown panic attack with feelings numbing or tingling on my face, hands, arms, feet, and legs. Sometimes, I feel like a zombie. I stay in bed curled up under my sheets, some days, overwhelmed by emotion. I did not want to accept these memories of events. I tried to deny their happening. I was shocked beyond my belief.
I felt angry, sad, confused, and depressed. “Is this the devil or God,” I said. Why is this happening to me 40 years later?” What got me was the feeling of shame attached to the memory, along with feeling gross, defiled, and unclean. This intrusive bombardment of memories was like a video camera that kept replaying that I could not control or stop it. This is my story of brokenness hopes and freedom! As a baby, I had a brother who was jealous of me. I am the only girl on my mom’s side of the family. I stole my brother’s fame and glory – he was the funny one – the family clown. But after my birth, all the attention went to me and away from him. He didn’t like me too much. It probably started when I was a baby, but he would pinch, hit, kick me, and do other things. Later, push me down, and I would fall on something and have to get stitches. Eventually, I shut down. The doctors diagnosed me with mental setbacks and hyperactivity. I was, really, in a fight-to-flight mode – like the Robinsons. “Danger, Will Robinson, danger!” uttered the robot in my subconscious.
Around three years of age, and the doctors recommended this clinic to work with me. I went three times a week for half a day. As an adult, I knew something was wrong since I only remember my first day and last day there. I didn’t remember anything between the two years. The memory that invaded my mind as flashbacks was the doctor sexually abusing me with other children. They filmed the sexual abuse and sold them for the occult. I was being groomed for human trafficking. Since he drugged me with a cool aid, it kept me from remembering what they did to me. Also, the memory of my brother sexually abusing me. I felt feelings of intense guilt and shame, I felt defiled and unclean. Could God accept me? I never knew when these vivid flashback pictures would take place. I could be at home, with friends, at work, or shopping. One day at work, my boss gave me a project. I was the team captain and had to come up with a plan. It took some decision-making to implement the project.
MY PAIN WAS MORE THAN I COULD TAKE I was vacillating back and forth, feeling what if I make the wrong decision. I was overthinking or feeling insecure. I felt anxious and wanted to crawl under my desk to curl up – feeling numb like my body was shutting down. I never felt that unsure before. I also felt the heavyweight of depression loom over me like a dark cloud over my emotions. I’d have constant pain in my chest and tense shoulders. My heart would start pounding, with shortness of breath or pressure in the chest during periods of anxiety, including sweating and shaking, a then I was a sobbing wreck. These anxiety episodes left me feeling weak. The emotional pain was more than I could bear. At home, I would say, Why, Lord, why is this happening to me.” Why are you abandoning me?” I felt alone from God and isolated myself from my friends because of the deep shame that gripped my soul. Can you relate?! I felt visible to everyone. I was afraid everyone would see my shame and sin! Guilty! I could not tell my mom or anyone what had happened to me. It was my secret. I didn’t think she would believe me. Plus, it would break her heart if she did know. What happened at the clinic was not the only memory. I also had flashbacks of my dad choking my mom during the same time. My dad was a tormented soul. He was scary to me, and I felt rejected by him. He never validated or seemed to care. What was important to him was money - it was his God. I felt like my competition with him was the green stuff. He was never home. When he was, he didn’t want us disturbing him. Otherwise, he would go off like a crazy man throwing things. Sometimes, duck to avoid the hit. How was I supposed to manage these memories? What do I do? It ruins my life, career, relationship with God, and people, including my sleep.
My emotions were off the Richter scale. I felt overwhelmed, sad, scattered, depressed, and even scared of my memories. I had to work but started missing many days. I couldn’t tell my supervisor why this was happening because of my deep shame. The walls seemed to close in, and everything got magnified. My body started falling apart because of the lack of sleep and stress: headaches, restless leg syndrome, depression, body aches, and more. Can you relate? Around 1997, I visited the doctor about my insomnia and anxiety. He put me on medication, which only increased my anxiety attacks. Then, he sent me to a sleep specialist. After the sleep test, he recommended a psychiatrist. They said when I did sleep, I would flip in the air, and that’s why every morning, my mattress moved at least a foot, and the bed covers were all twisted up in one big knot. I did talk about therapy, medication, and lifestyle changes. I still suffered from feelings of emotional pain, anxiety, and insomnia. I tried other things. I did the supplements, the biofeedback, the passive meditation, yoga, etc. How could I quiet my mind for meditation? The memories would intrude like uninvited guests that were too much to bear. I was losing hop; I thought about suicide but would not entertain the thoughts. I cried out to God for help out of desperation. My heart was truly broken!
BEAUTY INSTEAD OF ASHES Isaiah 61:3 "and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD to display his splendor." One day, I was at a seminar and heard this lady share about her program – break free from anxiety in 90 days. I wanted to know more. What could I lose? It didn’t matter the cost. I was desperate to get free from the bondage of anxiety, insomnia, depression, self-destructive behaviors like self-cutting, and many other things that were holding me down. I could not move forward to reach my dreams and desires. I wanted to live again.
I feared losing my job because I could not perform at my peak and missed too much work. I signed up for her 90-day program. The coach was incredible. She took me under her wings and worked with me. She showed me God’s truth through her videos and discussions with her. After discussion time, she would always pray for healing and deliverance prayers. Her emphasis was on our identity and who would define us - God or man! She helped me with my traumas and rejection from my dad and the array of negative feelings such as insecurity, self-doubt, and having the self-critical voice of beating myself up when things went wrong. I learned the importance of forgiveness and forgave my dad, brother, and others who took advantage of me. I learned to love my dad with warts and all, unconditional love. I was glad I did forgive him. Unst to my knowledge, after my mom died, I would have had to take care of him for ten years. He was not easy to love, but through the power of the Holy Spirit, I could. I learned to love myself and learned how to put healthy boundaries on my dad. I give all the glory to the Lord for my life. The Lord uses people to set us free through the Holy Spirit. He used this woman to get me back on track and bring healing, deliverance, and restoration to my life. 1. Three times, I almost died but was healed those three times. 2. Three times almost kidnapped, but the Lord kept me safe every time. 3. Even after growing up, I had an assignment and kept getting raped in my 20's. Through her help, the cycle was broken by breaking generational curses. Now I am free and help others get free from the strongholds of negative thinking that contribute to anxiety attacks and wrong behaviors. I've studied under some of the best ministers to become an influential minister of the gospel. It is all about a relationship with Him. That means spending time with Him - reading His word, praying, and worshipping Him because He is worthy of our praise. When you do these things, you will start learning to hear His voice. Book a FREE Strategy call with me!
THERE IS HOPE WHEN IT SEEMS HOPELESS! Why am I writing this? There is hope when there seems to be no hope. I did find hope again, along with peace, and joy, and able to move forward in my life after feeling stuck for so long.
I felt as though I was crawling out of the pit. I started seeing the ray of light of hope for my life. My joy started returning, and I experienced God’s peace and love again. Because of what I went through and overcame my traumas rejection, and self-hatred through the power of the Lord Jesus Christ, I started a healing and deliverance ministry in 2005. Since then, I’ve witnessed the power of God setting the captives free from Satan’s grip on all types of bondage: pain, hurts, fears, anxiety, panic attacks, bitterness, etc., and move to freedom, peace of mind, no more emotional distress, then, move into their full potential either in work, relationships, or their calling in Christ to serve him. Because of my training and 1000’s of hands-on experience with other Christians suffering, I noticed that anxiety is a process, not a one or two-time ministry session. People with anxiety need others to walk alongside them. It became a burning desire to create my 90-day program. After working for a college for over 20 years, the college went through a reorganization. I had a choice to retire. God calls all things to work together for good for those who love the Lord. God gave me a chance to enter full-time ministry and started a business coaching system working with women with anxiety. In 2020, I launched my 1:1 program called “Kick Anxiety Out! Step Into God’s Peace and Purpose in 90 Days” with great success. I am now launching the same program continuously seeing many people recover from anxiety. If you suffer from anxiousness, anxiety, or panic attacks along with emotional and behavioral issues, isn’t it time to conquer it? I only have a few spots open. If you are interested, I will do a strategy call with you and begin the healing. Book a Strategy Session with me now (Normally $222 — but FREE using the above link). I know you are a perfect fit! It is a great way to learn about the program, learn about your goals; and struggles, and create a roadmap just for you to freedom. Do a strategy with me, then get registered and start your healing process to freedom today! Is that you? If so, I want to speak with you. Schedule a call now. Hope to speak with you soon! Sincerely, P.S. - I am a prayer warrior. If you ever need prayer, you can join my prayer Facebook group, see below. We meet to pray, or you can fill out a form or contact me on Facebook.